a new attitude starting...now

i'm done taking peoples crap. if you have a problem with me say to my face as i will do the same to you. don't piss me off anymore because i'm not going to take it. i won't let myself take it. i have let people push me around and take advantage of me for so long and its got to stop, starting now. i will be more then happy to have your back and be there for you if you need me but if its not resiprical in the future i will not be there anymore. you people can't exspect me to be peachy about all the crap you put me through, it doesnt work that way. so really get ready for the new me, i will remain the same if i don't have a problem with you, but i will be different if your one of the people who give me problems. don't piss me off and we will get along just fine, thats what i keep telling people obviously the dont understand sinply english, but thats the last straw. nick you are not going to influence me anymore, i'm over you, renee you will never again affect me the same way, and last i will never be scared to say what i feel like saying to certain. the people mentioned in this blog just know you were the least of my problems, but you never again will have the same affect on me anymore. like everyone, you push me to the point where i somewhat wished my aunt had cancer just so i could have a different reason to feel pain, and i regret ever thinking that. do you know what that is like and no matter how much i try i can never get out of my mind that i even considered that thought. i cant keep doing this, to be honest i dont hate anyone i love you all i just cant deasl with all your crap anymore. girls think about what you guys are like, you girls are two-faced so much so that you girls are more then two-faced, try four-faced. do you ever stop and think how your making the other person feel, obviously not if you girls continue to be bitches. i want you to know girls that i'm hear for you if you need but if i'm not respected i will not be anymore. you can anyways count on me to be someone to talk to and get things off your mind to. i'm not blind i know there are problems with each and everyone of you and guess what i'm someone you can always share them with, if you want. boys you guys are disguisting pigs. you treat us girls as dolls just something that cool for a while and you love to play with but as soon as you break an arm off (metiphorically) from so much use, you just finish us off and leave in the cold. it doesnt work that way, and let me tell you something you might keep pretending you dont have feeling and or care for others but you do and its time you start showing because after a while the world is going to turn their backs on you, thinking your a jerk. so i have had enough, and for everyone whos read this dont forget it and spread it. love you all, its hurts knowing what will start happening with me changing, but its the only way.

dont worry, dont worry....but i cant help but to worry

everyone keeps telling me "dont worry". i just cant stop worrying though everyone tells me to stop worrying and everything will be okay, but its not and i cant see how i am supposed to stop worrying. i cant this off my mind. my friend kaedeanne keeps telling not to give up, but really even though i say im going to guve up im trying to think about really what am i giving up. i have nothing to start with, no one and nothing to give up. if i give up whats going to happen after that. am i going to be and feel alone...that cant be it because i already am alone. isnt that the problem with me i have no one hear for me. my mind has so many things building up i am starting to think maybe im being foolish but i cant because i feel real pain and i know i am actually suffering from something. BUT WHAT??? i really starting to question myself and this doesnt make things any better. HELP ME PLEASE!!!

life is more managable...somewhat

well my aunt doesnt have cancer, thank the lord. im am so happy, but some how im sad. i know its confusing but heres the things, well im still pretty depressed and i really dont know why and knowing the my aunt might die gave me a reason to say why im depressed. now she is prefectly fine but i still feel down a lot more, im starting to question my sanity eally its starting to kill me.nnick is totally out of the question to talk to now and that for some reason just make me more down because i thought he was always going to be ther for me. i really shouldnt be like this, and to be honestly sometimes i scare the hell out myself for the way im acting because realling its not rashonal. i shouldnt be this way i had a prefect best friend that was always there if i needed her and mr wedderburn when i just need some advice but nothing seems to be helping. please, please, please help me!!!!!!!!

when the worse comes, everything else gets better!!!

well just when i thought nothing else could possibly go wrong, i find out that my aunt might have cancer. but she's not just my aunt, she's my favourite. well this was the worst news yet. nick doesnt seem to be someone i can talk to now and so since there was really no one i could lean on, i decided to tell mackenzie i need her and that i just dont know what to do. she had a sholder for me to cry on in an instant, but still it did not comfort the pain that was there. we still don't know if my aunt has cancer or not and the thoughts running through my mind or really sad and make me feel like at any minutes i'm going to fall to pieces. just like new moon i have to like wrap my arms around my chest. i just can't get over the fact that she might not be with me anymore. i've been trying to put up with those thoughts for a few days now and let me tell you its not easy to keep smiling when all you want to do is hold your chest and cry. so even though my mind was occupied with my aunt i was still in some stupid confusing fight with meagan curley, but today i put my foot down. i took her by the arm stepped aside from the other girl and said "this cant continue, this is not how i want it to be, i'm sorry if you thought that i was doing whatever you said i was doing but i dont hate you i never have but i got mad when you were telling your mom all these lies about me but can we just forget it." she agreed quickly and we went from there so really all that i have to think and worry about is my aunt.

it doesn't get better!!!

just when i thought things were getting, they take a turn for the worse. some girl named meagan curley has been lying about me to her mom and now things are just horrible. she told her mom that apparently i slapped her, that i've been bullying her since grade five, and that i get people to gang up on her, but those are lies. i've never hit her brother, i love her brother like he was my own and i didn't even know her in grade five and grade six i didn't talk to her. i've never ganged up on her before, but now things are horrible! her mom says she can't hang around me and really i don't care about that part but she is friends with alot of my friends so when i come over to hang out with them they all walk away. i don't want it to be like this, like because of her she did something i thought would never happen. she broke me and mackenzie up. i keep trying to talk to her but she won't talk to me because her mom says she can't talk to me. like what am i supposed to do now, i don't want it to be like this. it's not fair for me. i need help because i don't know how much more i can take. i NEED advice. blogspotters please HELP!!!!!

confused!!!

i just don't get it. people say they like and for a while they act like it to but it seems like after a while they change and are so rude to me. it hurts because one day me and one of the people i thought was my friend are laughing and joking around but the next day we won't talk and they give me faces. i seriously don't know how much more of this i can take. i wish people would come right out with, either you like me or not, don't pretend to be my friend. that is on eof my pet peaves. i'm so confused right now, my friend nick (yes we are friends again) told me to change and stop taking peoples crap and stop letting people take advantage of me because if i don't eventually i'm going to explode on myself and let it all out. what confusing me about that is that i did explode and crack like he said but he also told me that if i do i would change, but even though i did explode i never changed so i'm afraid that i might have a littel more exploding co,ing and it's going to be worse. even though i know whats coming i can't change. i don't want to change, i'm nice to people, i always have their back, and because i am like this they take advantage of me. nick told me i need to be a bitch to them, i need to show them that i'm not taking their crap anymore and that under no circumstances can they ever take advantage of me again, but i don't want to come across to people as a bitch. he's says after a while they will get used to the new you and you won't be known as a bitch anymore, but i don't want to take the chance. my friends are confusing me so much and as much as they tell me they have my back and all most of the time it seems like they don't. even when me and my friends had a meeting with our consultor mr wedderburn he even said he doesn't think we have each others back and now i'm starting to believe. seriously it's either your my friends or your not and i can't take this anymore. i don't want them all to change me anymore, mr wedderburn said i've changed and even i notice the change in me now that he pointed it out. he said my personality changed because i used to be a very happy, perky, fun , funny person that never let anything get to her but now i seem more depressed, i'm crying a lot more, i am always concious of what people think of me. this has changed my personality to a depressed, sad, living dead person and i don't want to be her anymore but i also don't want to be know as a bitch, it's just not me and it never will be. blogspotters i need your help, can't you give me help. this is my call out for help!!!!!!!!!

friends come but why do they always have to go...

well its seems lately like i'm loosing all my friends. renee and anneka are changing yet they are saying i'm changing. i will do something to them that they do to me and then they flip about it. mackhenzie my best friend that i wasnt hanging out with that much anymore is here for me though. as much as i thank you her so much for having my back still i am a little disappointed the the peron i counted on the most to be there for me (nick) wasnt there like usual to help me through. i didnt even get a chance to tell what was bothering me. he has changed so much, he doesnt talk to me anymore at schoo and never answers back on msn. i he that i'm loosing all my friends but what hurts the most is that my most counted on friend nick changed into a rude unsensetive jerk like every other guy. so much much for being there for a friend. today i got fed up i told stay up on msn everything, but i doubt he even has a hint of why i'm mad at him. i feel so alone in this game they call life, i think i just lost. things dont seem to be getting better mr wedderburn my giudence conselor moved to toronto without even saying goodbye, what am i going to do now.